birdsofshore | Ficlet: One Prick Away From Heaven (H/D, PG-13, ~1000)

Title: One Prick Away From Heaven
Author: birdsofshore
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Word count: ~1000
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Unbetaed. The usual ridiculousness, innuendo and cliches.
Summary: Potter is such a bloody spoilsport. Now he's trying to ruin Draco's birthday.
A/N: This was written for Draco's Birthday Party, which is warming up beautifully at

capitu's LJ.
It's also a little offering for the lovely

this_bloody_cat, to celebrate her birthday, too. She prompted:
Draco, attempted bribery and exhibitionism
In which Draco tries to get what he wants. He tries very, very hard :)
I hope my attempt at your prompt amuses you <3

~~~

“Don't be such a bloody spoil-sport, Potter.”

“That's Auror Potter, to you.”

“Whatever. Just release these cuffs and I'll be on my way.”

“You're not going anywhere, Malfoy.”

“And why not?”

“For a start, you're naked except for a shedload of eyeliner and a strategically-tied balloon.”

“... And?”

“And, in the middle of Diagon Alley in the early hours of Saturday morning, that's an offence.”

“There's nothing offensive about my body. Look. Have a good look. All over. There isn't, is there, Potter?”

“... I couldn't possibly comment.”

“Let's face it, I'm a young wizard from one of England's finest Pureblood families, in peak physical condition. Not to mention I'm blessed with a perfect complexion and naturally white-blond hair— Potter? Why do you keep scribbling like that when you should be paying attention to me?”

“I'm filling in the arrest forms. I need to be sure I've got all the relevant facts.”

“Naturally blond. That's a relevant fact. In fact, you can see the proof, if you'd like me to just move the balloon a little...?”

“No! That– that won't be necessary.”

“So, what are you arresting me for? Is it a crime to celebrate one's birthday, now?”

“It is when you commit indecency in a public place, Malfoy.”

“How on earth do you know about that? Oh, you mean the being naked thing. Merlin, you do harp on about it. A bit obsessed, some would say."

"Obsessed? With what, exactly?"

"With the fact that you've got me here up against a wall, hands behind my back, my naked flesh just laid out before you on display, and one good stab with a pin all that lies between you and a taste of heaven... “

“Shut up, Malfoy. How do you spell drunk and disorderly?”

“I'm not drunk! I'm... happy and exuberant.”

“You're wearing a balloon in lieu of underwear, and shouting a lot. And I think you should really stop resting your head on my shoulder like that.”

“But I'm tired. So tired. I've been dancing for hours. And you smell so good, Potter. Since when did you smell so good?”

“Since when did you stink like a brewery?”

“Probably around the time Blaise and I started doing body shots. It got... messy.”

“Hmm. Right, I've think I've got all the details now... Let's get you to the Ministry and I can read you your rights. Here, give me your arm and I'll Apparate us—“

“Oh, Potter! That's cold. Leather gloves, eh? Which little boutique did you pick those beauties up from?”

“These are standard issue Auror uniform.”

“Could you get me some? No? What about a pair of those divine boots?”

“Well, Malfoy, I'm delighted you've had such a pleasant evening. Shame it's going to finish in the cells.”

“Potter. You're utterly mean. You aren't really going to spoil my birthday like this? Can't we come to some... agreement?”

“And... what kind of agreement would that be?”

“More or less any kind you fancy. I'm terribly open-minded. And there's a nice secluded little alley, just over there.”

“Do you want me to add propositioning an Auror to the list of charges?”

“What the hell, why not? Let's really round off the night with a bang!”

“Malfoy, you're impossible!”

“Nothing's impossible when you're young and flexible.”

“Aren't you still on probation, anyway?”

“Oh, probably. It's so hard to keep track of these tedious details. Salazar, do they teach you to glower like that in Auror school, or does it just come naturally?”

“You know you're just making things worse for yourself. If you don't stop this I'll have to gag you as well as cuff you.”

“Merlin, you do know all the right things to say. Potter... I think I like you."

"That's wonderful, Malfoy. How about shutting up, so I can—"

"In fact, I've always liked you."

"You have? I mean... stop trying to distract me."

"I'm not trying to distract you. I'm trying to confess."

"There'll be plenty of time for that when we're at the Ministry."

"But I don't like it at the Ministry. There are all those other Aurors there, and people get so cross, and it's awfully dull. I only want to tell you."

"What do you want to tell me?"

"... I can make the balloon move without using my hands. Look."

"Malfoy! How are you—? No— Merlin, don't answer that."

"Well, Potter, I don't know about you, but I don't think we ought to Apparate to the Ministry quite yet."

"No! Hell, no. Just... for god's sake, Malfoy, stop it. Can't you... I don't know, think of something else?"

"All I can think of is that you've got me completely at your mercy. And the way you look in those gloves, and your eyes flashing like that. And—"

"Holy fuck, Malfoy, why's it got glitter all over it?"

"Potter! Were you... peeking? I thought Aurors were above such things. I'm disappointed in you."

"I was looking to see if it had gone down at all."

"Well, it hasn't."

"I can see that!"

"It's not going to, either, with you staring at it like that, all fierce and righteous—"

"... And the glitter?"

"Aren't I allowed to have a little fun on my birthday?"

"Doesn't it chafe?"

"Do you want to help me find out?"

"No!"

"I'm not convinced Apparating is going to be a good idea any time soon. The sudden change in pressure might have an adverse effect on the balloon."

"Bloody hell! Why does it have to be Ron's night for desk duty at the Ministry?"

"Weasley's there? Oh, well, that makes all the difference. Let's go! I would hate for him to miss my outfit."

"Look, Malfoy... I've had another idea. I'll take you back to your place instead and you can sleep it off. We'll put this one down to... youthful high spirits. Only, please, don't let anybody catch you like this again."

"No need to worry about that. This latest brush with the law has had a profound effect on me; I'm sure to be a model citizen from now on."

"Hmm. There's just one thing I need to know before I let you go."

"Of course."

"When do you and your friends plan to go out next? I've got tomorrow evening off and... I might be at a loose end."

"Do you think my entourage and I really want an off-duty Auror tagging along with us and cramping our style?"

"I could wear the gloves."

"Balthazar's Bar, 8.30. Don't be late."