birdsofshore: (curlew)
[personal profile] birdsofshore
Title: Draco's Terribly Straight First Date
Author: [livejournal.com profile] birdsofshore
Pairing(s): It's complicated
Rating: PG? Sorry...
Word count: ~1900
Warnings: Closeted!Draco, dating women!Draco, ridiculousness, pining for Harry, no smut, the frightening potential for epilogue compliance
A/N: For dearest lovely [livejournal.com profile] who_la_hoop, on your birthday. ♥ This bit of nonsense was inspired by a post you made in your journal which stated: “JKR, I wanted the new Draco stuff released on Pottermore today! *whines* Are we placing bets on what it's going to be, flist? I reckon it'll be about Draco's first date with Astoria, because he's STRAIGHT, you hear? STRAIGHT! :D”

I felt JKR had missed a trick here. So I give you Draco and Astoria's first date, as NOT written by JKR. Many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] lumosed_quill for giving this a onceover (which turned into a twiceover).

***
“Well, thank you again for coming. You're looking quite, er, lovely, Wisteria.”

“It's Astoria. And I'm over here.”

“Astoria, of course. Yes, sorry, I was just distracted by the rather fine Rotherham Swoop that the other team's Seeker just made. ”

“You mean Harry Potter?”

“Er? No, I don't think so... er, is it Potter? I didn't realise.”

“Your attention's been riveted on him ever since we got here. I would have thought you would have recognised him, seeing as you were in the same year at Hogwarts.”

“Was I? Potter, you say? Harry Potter? Well, it rings a bell, certainly... Anyway, back to the fascinating topic of your parents' lovely home in France.”

“Which one?”

“There's more than one? Even better! I mean... how delightful. For them. Ah, here's the refreshments witch. What can I get you?”

“I'll have a small butterbeer, thank you.”

“My pleasure. Hoy, you in the purple cloak! Two butterbeers. Keep the change.”

“I think something just fell out of your wallet, Draco.”

“Did it?”

“Yes, here you are. Oh. It appears to be a photograph. Of Harry Potter.”

“What? No it isn't.”

“Yes, it is. It looks as if it's been torn out of Witch Weekly. And carried around for a rather long time – look, it's all worn.”

“I can assure you that it has nothing to do with me.”

“I distinctly saw it fall from your—”

“Keep your voice down, for heaven's sake! Ah, well, I may remember tucking it in there, now you mention it. It was... a reminder for me when I was going to have my hair cut.”

“A reminder?”

“Yes. A reminder of what not to have done. Tsk, look at that, Phillips has let the Quaffle in again!”

“So, this is your favourite team?”

“Eh? Oh, yes, yes. The, er... where has that programme got to.... The Wigtown Wanderers, that's right! Marvellous team. Marvellous.”

“You don't rate the Wasps, then? Harry Potter's team?”

“Who? No. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I don't think I've ever seen them play before in my life, in fact.”

“That's funny, because Daphne's quite a fan, and she said she's seen you at plenty of their games. Said she thought you had a season ticket.”

“Me? Ha ha, no! Must be... somebody else. Someone who looks... uncannily like me. Well. It is a treat to be here with you, Astrolabe.”

Astoria.”

“Ho, ho, dear me, yes. And have I mentioned how absolutely charming you look today?”

“Yes. Several times. But you're always staring at Potter's arse when you say it.”

“I beg your pardon? Oh! A stunning Wronski Feint there. So, Potter's quite a tolerable flyer, hmm? Well, that is a surprise. I thought, being the completely useless tosser that he was at school, that— Is something wrong?”

“Wrong? Why ever should there be?”

“Well, you tell me? I thought this was going quite well, as first dates go, but I distinctly thought I heard you snorting—”

“Have you been on a lot of first dates? Just wondering.”

“Well, a fair few, yes. I don't wish to boast, but I do enjoy my share of attention from the ladies.”

“It's not just your parents setting you up with all their friends' daughters, then?”

“What? Good lord, no. I'm awfully keen. On ladies, that is. Merlin, yes. Can't keep away from them.”

“I see. So, you're not thinking of settling down?”

“Damn it, I think I've given you the wrong impression. No, what I mean is, I absolutely do want to settle down. Mmm, yes. Marriage, children, nice big mansion in France, carrying on the family name, not getting disinherited, the whole thing. I'm a one-witch kind of fellow, Asteroid.”

“My name is Astoria.”

“Wasn't that what I said?”

“No, but don't trouble yourself about it. Tell me, what are you looking for, exactly, in this person that you're hoping to settle down with?”

“Oh, the– all the, you know, the relevant female parts. Definitely. That's what I like. No doubt about it. I spend a lot of time thinking about, you know. That.”

“I was really wondering if there was something more specific.”

“God, no, anyone will do. I mean– well, you've thrown me now. Er, someone with traditional values. That's very important to my parents. I mean, to me. What else? Hmm. Not too... clingy. I'd like a wife who... wasn't around a lot. I mean, if she had her own hobbies and interests, you know. Independent sort. Oh, look, they're selling raffle tickets, now. I wonder what the prize is?”

“I believe they said it was a Firebolt that had been ridden by Harry Potter.”

“Well, honestly! What kind of a prize is that? I suppose they expect us to be all impressed, just because Potter has touched it. They think I'm going to want to be mooning over an old thing like that, spend every evening polishing it lovingly, simply because the wood has been worn smooth from Potter's sweaty thighs rubbing across it – my god, they think we're idiots. I'll get you a couple of tickets of course, because ladies love that sort of thing. Over here! Yes, two dozen will do. No, of course they're not for me, what do you take me for? Some sort of broomstick deviant? They're for the lady. There you are, my dear. I'll look after them for you. In case you lose them. I'll just tuck them away safely in my robes. Perfect. Oh, my god.”

“What is it now?”

“Potter – he's injured. Oh, hell.”

“I didn't see. What happened?”

“He took a turn too fast – hit the stands and came off his broom. Merlin. Get help, you absolute cretins! Salazar, I think he's bleeding. Hurry!

“Sit down! Look, the Mediwitch is coming. Don't get so worked up.”

“Oh god, oh god. I hope he's all right, oh, please. I mean. Um. I hope they don't have to stop the game. What a bore that would be.”

“You're shaking!”

“No. That's just. A thing I do. When– I see blood. It's nothing. Just one of those things. Loads of wizards are the same. Really manly wizards who are straight and like women a lot. Oh, thank the heavens, he's sitting up now.”

“He seems to be fine.”

“Well, thank goodness for that! That was quite enough time wasted by that bloody attention-seeker!”

“Oh, you were right about the blood... he's changing into a clean shirt.”

“So he is. I— That is— Nnnnngh.”

“Oh my god. Draco. Are you all right?”

“Yes. Hnnngggg.

“Try to take deep breaths. Have some butterbeer.”

“I'm fine. It was– the blood. Yes. Just, the blood. Smeared. All over his toned, Seeker's body...”

“Perhaps don't talk for a while. Until you feel quite yourself again.”

“I'm quite all right, I assure you. You know, I don't feel that this has gone quite as well as I intended, Listeria, my dear. I hope you won't hold it against me. I'm honestly such an eligible wizard, I can't imagine why someone hasn't snapped me up yet. To be frank, I'd marry me in an instant. I don't really know why I find courting such a tricky business.”

“Don't let it worry you. I quite understand.”

“You do?”

“Oh, yes. I think I understand you perfectly. Marriage. Carrying on the family name. Not getting disinherited. Carrying around pictures of Harry Potter. All of that.”

“Hold on a minute― I think you've somehow got the wrong end of the—”

“Oh, Draco, shush a moment. I've just seen someone I'd like you to meet. Gwendoline! Gwen, darling! Ah, I'm so glad you could make it. Draco, this is Gwendoline Marchpane. She's a – well. A very dear friend of mine.”

“How do you do?”

“Gwen and I have... plans as soon as the game is over – Gwen! That tickles, you naughty thing. Go on without me, Gwen, and I'll meet you there. But, Draco, I'm sure you'll find something to occupy yourself with, when the game has finished. Perhaps one of these magazines that they're bringing round for sale? What does the headline say? Harry Potter's Secrets Laid Bare. With 101 full colour photos. Yes, I'm sure that will while away the evening most pleasantly for you.”

“Astoria. I― I suppose this means we won't be seeing each other again?”

“Well, I don't know about that. I think you and I could be quite well-suited for a mutually beneficial agreement. How about you tell your parents we're serious about one another? Then they might leave you alone for a bit.”

“I― I'm sorry?”

“You know, it might not be the worst idea in the world if we actually got married. Gwen could be a bridesmaid, and I promise I'd be awfully independent. I don't mind whose photo you keep in your wallet, either. But perhaps that's a bit drastic. We could just buy one another a little time. While we work on what we really want.”

“What we want? I told you what I want—”

“Yes, yes, someone with the relevant female parts. Well, if you ever change your mind about that, I hear Potter drinks in the Dumbledore Arms after every match, that he's currently single, and that he's equally happy with the relevant male parts.”

“I―I― what?”

“Mmm. And it's widely known he's got a penchant for blonds. Dear me, I believe the game's finished while we were chatting. Good old Potter caught the Snitch after all. My, my, look at his face. All... shining. Full of hope and possibilities.”

“Golly. Well. The Dumbledore Arms? It just happens to be on my way home. I'm suddenly rather thirsty. It might make a change. I have heard it is a... a lively sort of place.”

“They have music and dancing from about 9. Apparently Potter's quite the mover, and he likes to— Draco, dear. Do remember to breathe. You will be OK, won't you?”

“Yes, fine. I'm fine. I just need to― Possibly I should go and change first. I feel a little warm all of a sudden, dressed like this.”

“I would think so. Not that you don't look smashing in formal robes. But I hear leather trousers are more to Potter's taste. You could make it to the shops before they close, if you hurry.”

“I― I may own such a thing already. Possibly. At the back of my wardrobe in a bag marked, Mother, please mind your own business.”

“Perfect. Well, good luck, Draco. And while you're working things out, I'm happy to provide, well, camouflage. If you need it.”

“Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, I think this might be turning out to be the best first date I've ever had.”
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re: Draco's Terribly Straight First Date

Date: 2015-02-22 11:04 am (UTC)
vaysh: Potter? (a_Potter?)
From: [personal profile] vaysh
You had me with Wisteria, and I was snorting in my coffee by the time Draco was hyperventilating because of Harry changing his shirt, and now I am on the floor, hiccupping because I had to laugh so hard at Mother, please mind your own business. This is pretty much exactly how I imagine book!Draco and the backstory of that Epilogue. :)

It's probably bad form to comment before Who-la has seen the story, but I couldn't resist. ♥

Re: Draco's Terribly Straight First Date

From: [personal profile] snowgall - Date: 2015-02-22 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 11:06 am (UTC)
nia_kantorka: (Default)
From: [personal profile] nia_kantorka
OMG, Birds. That's so funny. The names, Astrolabe and Asteroid are my favourites. *hehehehehe* And Astoria with Gwen and Draco having verbal diarrhoea and nearly fainting over Harry's shirtlessness.
What a perfect birthday gift! ♥

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From: [personal profile] vaysh - Date: 2015-02-22 02:31 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [personal profile] vaysh - Date: 2015-02-22 02:49 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 11:13 am (UTC)
writcraft: (Default)
From: [personal profile] writcraft
Ha! This really made me smile this morning. So many bits which made me laugh, but I think Draco's reaction to Harry taking his shirt off and reaction to the auction of Harry's broom were my favourites. Great work, lots of fun. Happy Birthday to Who-La!

Date: 2015-02-22 11:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] idikehaine.livejournal.com
This was great :))

Date: 2015-02-22 12:50 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] besamislabios
LOL. This was hilarious. For a moment there I misread and thought he had called her astroglide. :)
This was such a fun read, loved it.

Date: 2015-02-22 12:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ashindk.livejournal.com
That's the perfect first date for them.
I was smiling all along, but Listeria made me laugh out loud.

Date: 2015-02-22 12:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fantasyfiend09.livejournal.com
What a brilliant way to start the day. I loved this so much. Draco's inability to remember her name and his description of what he wants in a wife. *snorts* The whole thing was hilarious and I love how much action you conveyed through dialogue alone. It's terrifying to think it's epilogue-compliant, but I will go with Astoria and hope it won't come to marriage. Just buying some time.

Date: 2015-02-22 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] iwao.livejournal.com
OMD! My tea went down the wrong way TWICE! LOLOLOL! 'Twas brillint! :D

Date: 2015-02-22 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] barefacedbandit.livejournal.com
Haha, this is genius. LOL at all Draco's attempts to remember Astoria's name, and that he keeps telling her she's gorgeous while looking at Potter's arse - ♥ Astoria so much. And Draco's reaction to Harry removing his shirt is about my favourite thing ever. Hnnnnng. :D

Date: 2015-02-22 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] all-not-well.livejournal.com
Oh, that Astrolabe, she's such a clever girl. :D

I grinned like a mad thing all throughout, and now my face hurts. Utterly brilliant! :D

Date: 2015-02-22 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lq-traintracks.livejournal.com
I probably shouldn't comment until I've had more coffee, but I couldn't resist a reread over my first cup this morning, and I just beamed all the way through this! Again! I snorted at the names -- again! And I still clutched my heart at poor Draco's attempts to not lose it entirely at the sight of Harry's naked torso.

I love how hilarious this is -- and that somehow you can do stellar Draco-as-sex-god voice in one fic and then turn around and write him just as beautifully completely flummoxed out of his mind! And as much as it's truly just so funny, I love how touching this little story is. It's not crack. Draco's closetedness really moved me, too. Astoria (and Gwen! and all their relevant female parts) to the rescue! <3

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From: [identity profile] lq-traintracks.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-22 02:42 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 05:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] omi-ohmy.livejournal.com
<3 This was wonderful. I loved all the names Draco called Astoria, and how he went between drooling and trying to justify his manly straightly on the turn of, er, a broom. You've made me laugh and smile and now Mr Omi is asking me what's so amusing... :D

Date: 2015-02-22 06:23 pm (UTC)
pauraque: bird flying (Default)
From: [personal profile] pauraque
*helpless giggles* Oh my, thank you for posting this on a day when I really needed a laugh!

Date: 2015-02-22 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com
Birds, this is genius! Your extremely straight Draco is beyond adorable, and poor Astrolabe, she's brilliant with all her relevant female parts -- brilliant and hilarious and really quite good at seeing through Draco's fibbing <3 Harry is going to be so amused xD I keep picturing him having a drink with his teammates when leather pants!Draco comes around...

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From: [identity profile] this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-23 09:33 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-23 09:51 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-24 09:35 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 07:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] divertazsc.livejournal.com
Absolutely hilarious, had me sniggering so much my husband though something was wrong with me. I'm sure Asteroid and Draco came to a mutual understanding, what with her having all the requisite parts and all.

Of course just the idea of Draco in leather pants......

Date: 2015-02-22 08:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] groolover.livejournal.com
My cat was looking at me in alarm by the time I got to "Nnnnngh" :-) Hilarious!

Date: 2015-02-22 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sdkshelly.livejournal.com
Oh LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I stopped laughing once throughout all of this. Just delightful! Thank you for brightening my afternoon! ♥

Date: 2015-02-22 08:46 pm (UTC)
who_la_hoop: (Default)
From: [personal profile] who_la_hoop
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Also, you know, ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

You are TOO GOOD TO ME, treating me to so much magnificence. This is a thing of pure beauty and perfection and awesomeness. It is TOTALLY the story behind the epilogue, and all the kiddies are just the result of, er, magical turkey basters and suchlike :DDDD

Chortling forever over the names Draco calls poor Astoria - I think Listeria is my favourite, but they all made me giggle. I love how quick on the uptake Astoria is, and how oblivious Draco is - clearly thinking he's all cunning and subtle but really being anything but. He should hand back his Slytherin scarf :D

You are a darling, and I love it ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] geneva2010.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-25 01:56 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [personal profile] who_la_hoop - Date: 2015-03-07 05:05 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 09:00 pm (UTC)

Date: 2015-02-22 09:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] candamira.livejournal.com

Wonderfully funny! Astoria is adorable, and I like that she knows to use the situation to her advantage. Hehe!

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From: [identity profile] candamira.livejournal.com - Date: 2015-02-25 11:54 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-22 11:49 pm (UTC)
ext_7739: (Default)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/
:D!! I think Harry, Draco, Astoria and Gwen should have a double date where they can chuckle about this all over again. I couldn't stop laughing, too perfect.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/ - Date: 2015-02-28 01:03 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2015-02-23 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catplusfox.livejournal.com
Haha! I love it!

Date: 2015-02-23 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lyonessheart.livejournal.com
sorry I was laufhing so hard at that! this is the one Astopria I could learn to love ;)

Date: 2015-02-23 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] awickedmemory.livejournal.com
Oh, gods. I haven't even read a HP fic in months, I think, but I couldn't resist this one - it sounded hilarious from the getgo, and I'm fairly certain I'm bright red from stifling laughter at work. Hilarious work!
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