Fic: Trick or Treat

[birdsofshore]

Title: Trick or Treat
Author: birdsofshore
Pairing: Harry / Draco
Word count: ~2500
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: swearing, a very annoying singing pumpkin
Summary: Draco gets more than he bargained for when one of George's Hallowe'en jokes backfires.
Author's Notes: for marianna_merlo. Dear Marianna, you make me laugh so much and I wanted to write something to say thank you for all the support you have given me with my writing. And then... this came out of my computer.

I wish I could have made it filthier for you, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything too dreadful to poor Draco in his unfortunate position. You know my heart is made of fluff. I hope you can use the situation to imagine some dreadful dub-con nightmare for yourself at your leisure :D And meanwhile I hope this will at least make you smile.

Also for homebrewbingo prompt: human furniture.

Thank you very much to omi_ohmy for the lovely and speedy beta ♥

Trick or Treat

"What is this revolting object sitting on the mantelpiece?" called Draco.

"What is what?" asked Harry, wandering into the room. "Oh, the Pranking Pumpkin? It's a new product for George's shop. He asked if we wouldn't mind testing it. You have to say 'Trick' or 'Treat'."

"Trick or treat?" questioned Draco, turning the brightly-coloured, sparkly pumpkin around in his hands, observing its traditional jack o'lantern face with a look of distaste.

"Yeah, you have to choose the one you want. It can give you a treat, or you can choose for the pumpkin to play a trick on you." Harry stepped closer, to slip his arms around Draco and nuzzle his neck.

"Well I'm not going to say 'trick', am I? Of course I choose the 'treat'."

"Ok, but you've said 'trick' twice now; don't say it again while you're holding it, or—"

"Don't say 'trick'? But you said—"

The pumpkin began to vibrate in Draco's hands and its carved features sang, slightly off-key:

"Trick or Treat? Treat or Trick?
Make your mind up now, be quick!
Three times please, state nice and clearly;
Pumpkin thanks you, most sincerely."

It fell silent. Draco shuddered and held it at arm's length. "How horrible. Thank goodness—"

The vibrating began again, and the pumpkin sounded rather over-excited, as it piped in a squeaky voice:

"You chose 'Trick'! Oh, what a lark! Get ready everyone!
It's time to play a merry prank, prepare to have some fun!
I hope you like our little joke; we're sorry if it teases.
Have a Happy Hallowe'en, from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes."

Draco looked at it in horror. "Harry, what–" He broke off abruptly, his body stiffening. The pumpkin fell from his grasp and rolled away across the floor.

Harry stepped backwards in surprise, as a shocked gurgling sound came from Draco's throat. Draco dropped first to his knees, then onto all fours. His arms and legs jerked involuntarily, becoming rigid and fixed in place. His shirt sleeves and trouser legs appeared to fade away before Harry's eyes, but instead of revealing pale bare flesh, his limbs darkened and took on a shiny texture. His feet lengthened, flattened, and then, very alarmingly, rolled up at the ends. Meanwhile his face took on an appalled expression.

"Harry! What's happening to me? My god!"

"Don't panic, it's ok," said Harry in an attempt to be reassuring. His eyes were wide as he looked at Draco's altered form. "It's just the Pumpkin. You said 'trick' three times, so it's played a joke on you. I'm sure it's perfectly safe; George would never design products that were actually harmful... well. Probably not, anyway...."

"Not harmful? Look what it's done to me! I'm—what has it done to me?" asked Draco in confusion.

"George did mention that one of the tricks was to be Transfigured into an object. You seem to be only partly changed, though. I would say you're probably, a, erm," Harry's voice trailed off and he mumbled the rest of the sentence, "I'd say you're a mmfpfle."

"A what?"

"Um. A table. I think you're a table."

There was a short and ominous silence, during which two livid spots of colour appeared in Draco's otherwise pale cheeks. "Pass me my wand, Harry."

"Um, I don't think that's a good idea."

"I said, pass me my wand. It's just over there."

"Draco, you can't have your wand."

"I don't want to lose my temper." Draco forced the words out icily. "Just do as I ask, please."

"First of all, you seem a little angry at the moment and I don't think it's a good idea to use magic until you've calmed down. Secondly, and don't get cross with me, but, your arms, er, your arms, they're...."

"What about my bollocking arms, you wanker?"

"They're, er, they'retablelegs," Harry blurted.

"What?"

"They're table legs. Have a look."

"I can't look, I can't move my neck. I'm stuck, if you hadn't noticed. For god's sake Harry, this puerile joke is over: get your own wand and undo what that shitty little vegetable has done."

"Erm, the trick lasts about half an hour. You can't reverse it till then, so you'll just have to, erm, wait."

"Can't reverse it? What infernal pestilence is this?" Draco's face was flushed and specks of saliva flew as he spoke.

"Look on the bright side, you're only partially Transfigured. Your head and your back are completely normal, I think. And, erm. Your..." Harry gestured at Draco's non-Transfigured rear end, which was currently displayed beautifully in his position on all fours. It jutted out fleshily beneath the seat of his tailored trousers, which now ended awkwardly, the material bunching above the inflexible and solid wood.

"... your arse... it looks, uh... it looks completely brilliant actually," Harry said with feeling, his mouth becoming slightly slack.

"Are you ogling me, you complete fuckwit? Stop thinking with your prick and do
something!"

"Sorry!" Harry shook his head and made an effort to focus. "Erm, I could make you a cup of tea?"

"A cup of tea?" Draco spluttered. "I am stuck here, in this most undignified and uncomfortable position, due to some moronic joke your idiotic friend has devised, and your best solution is to make me a cup of tea? Which, if you used your brain for even a second, you would realise that I won't even be able to drink!"

"I could hold it for you? You could drink it with a straw! We have to wait and let it wear off, Draco. There'd be no fun to the tricks if you could just undo them with magic. You should have asked for a treat instead, really... " Harry's voice faltered as he saw the look on Draco's face.

"What kind of an imbecile would think this is 'fun'?"

"Well, George designed them for Hallowe'en parties. The idea is that people will pass the pumpkin around and it either provides sweets and cakes, or a joke to entertain everyone. It can turn their hair a weird colour, or swop their clothes with another person in the room, or make them speak like a Troll, that kind of thing."

"Or the kind of thing whereby an innocent man, who has just come home from a hard day's toil at the office, is unwillingly imprisoned in the form of a table?"

"Er, yes, that kind of thing. Er. If you don't want that cup of tea, do you mind if I have one?" Harry headed for the kitchen sharpish, without waiting for an answer. Not at all trying to dodge Draco in a mood, no, just thirsty for a good old honest cup of tea. And maybe he'll calm down a bit while I'm gone.

This thought, though admirably optimistic, seemed at first unlikely to be correct. Harry could still hear snippets of Draco's ranting as he moved around the kitchen, fetching a mug, boiling the water and pouring.

"A plague on all Weasleys! And my half-wit of a boyfriend too... testing it, indeed! The only thing round here that needs testing is my head... for putting up with these cretins. Harry, you fucker! Stop hiding in the kitchen and get back in here, now!"

Harry stirred the tea thoughtfully. Maybe some biscuits were in order. He opened the cupboard, but appeared in no hurry to choose.

When he had finished, and, entirely co-incidentally, when only minor cursing was audible, he wandered back, forcing a casual expression onto his face. The best approach seemed to be to ignore this small... setback, and wait for the spell to wear off. He settled down on the sofa, tea and biscuits in hand.

"So. How was work today?"

"How was work? I am currently composed of approximately fifty percent wood, and you want to know what kind of day I had?"

"Hmm. Very nice wood, though," said Harry soothingly. "Lovely... patina. I think you might be mahogany."

He rested the biscuits on the arm of the sofa and leant forward to run one hand down Draco's, well, he supposed he would have to call it Draco's left rear leg. He had always found Draco's legs beautiful and elegant, but now they were beautifully polished, elegantly-shaped legs, with a graceful scrolled foot at the bottom. "You're wonderfully smooth, now, Draco."

"Get your hands off me, you... furniture pervert! You're leaving smeary fingerprints on my varnish, I can feel them."

Harry drew back abruptly, making the tea jiggle in his mug and nearly knocking over his plate. An irresistibly mischievous urge came over him. "Draco...?"

"What now?" came the irritable reply.

"Do you think I could just... rest my tea and biscuits on you for a minute? You're always telling me not to spill things on the sofa."

Draco seemed incapable of coherent speech. His jaw worked but no sound came out.

"I'd use a tablecloth," continued Harry.

"You– you– you– Harry James Potter, if you dare to put a tablecloth on me, I swear I will make you wish you had never been born."

"Would you prefer a coaster?" asked Harry, with an unconvincingly innocent expression.

"Oh, I am going to get you for this. I am going to wait until this spell wears off and I am going to ram that fucking coaster up your arse, Potter!"

Harry sniggered. Later, he would no doubt pay, but for now he was enjoying himself far too much to know when to stop. He allowed his eyes to run over Draco's form, both the wooden and the fleshy parts.

Harry's face took on a dreamy look as he admired, once again, the way Draco's position made his backside look particularly pert and rounded, pushed out as it was towards Harry's gaze. His fitted trousers clung to the curves of his arse, presenting Harry's very favourite part of Draco as if it were a beautifully wrapped gift.

"So, talking of arses, did I tell you that yours really does look excellent bent over like that?" asked Harry. He considered reaching out to give Draco a loving little stroke. He could imagine the feel of the firm muscles under his hand, the way the flesh would yield a little as he pressed his fingers over the contours....

"You did allude to that totally irrelevant piece of information, yes. My arse looks fucking amazing at all times, so it's no surprise to me," said Draco.

Harry's hand, almost of its own accord, began to stretch out. His fingers flexed, ready to grasp and squeeze, to....

"What does come as a surprise is that you feel it an appropriate moment to talk of such things, when I am clearly in great distress," continued Draco peevishly.

Harry's hand hurriedly retreated and rested guiltlessly once more in his lap.

"Sorry, Draco. You're quite right of course." He suppressed another snigger. "I'll see if I can distract you, a little. Did I mention Ron and Hermione are coming round in a bit? That'll cheer you up, I bet." His voice wobbled at the end and a laugh threatened to force its way out. Harry tried his best, but the image of Ron and Hermione sitting genteelly and taking tea from Draco's back, complete with the aforementioned coasters – or, no, even better a doily – was too much for him to take, and a howl of laughter escaped. He was going to be so fucked when Draco could get to his wand again, but he didn't even care. This was the funniest thing he could remember, since... well, possibly forever.

"I think I should get George round, too, so he can see how well the Pranking Pumpkin works. Shall I Floo him now and tell him?" Harry leaned back against the sofa, breathless with laughter..

Draco spoke slowly and with the kind of menace that would have made Lucius proud "If I ever see another Weasley in this house, I will personally take great pleasure, in hexing them so thoroughly that their own mother wouldn't know them from the Giant Squid. I didn't live with the Dark Lord for all that time without picking up a thing or two, you know, Potter!"

Harry's giggles subsided as he made an effort to control his amusement. He only heard Draco use this voice occasionally, but it usually meant caution was advisable.

"Ok. I was only kidding about George. And I'll tell Ron it's not a good time for a visit. We can have an evening just the two of us. And I'm sure it's going to wear off, soon. Maybe it's already started? Your wood looks a little, well, a little hairy, on that leg, there." He pointed to a paler patch on the leg nearest to him, where Draco's ankle used to be. "And this bit up here looks kind of trousery."

Draco tried, and failed, to turn his head to see. "I do feel... hmm, yes, I almost feel I could wiggle a toe. Have I got toes?"

"They're coming back. You've got a couple of fingers at the front, as well."

Draco exhaled in relief. "Thank heavens. Deliverance at last."

Harry smiled at him.

"Don't think I have forgiven you, Potter. Some help you were. Just as soon as I can reach my wand—"

Harry swallowed. "Draco, I am sorry. Really. It was mean of me: I just got carried away. Let me make it up to you. How about a quiet night in, and maybe I can show you just how sorry I am?" He rubbed comforting circles over Draco's back.

"Mmm, that does feel good. I'm all tensed up from being bent over like this." Draco rotated one shoulder experimentally. "Oh god, I can move my neck a bit now." He groaned. "Oh that's much better. You were saying?"

Harry massaged with firm strokes along Draco's shoulders and down his spine. "It would be nice to spend some time together. We could watch a film and then, afterwards, I could do that thing you liked, you know, the…." He bent down to whisper in Draco's ear.

A wicked smirk romped across Draco's face. "Really? And would you wear the…?" Harry nodded and Draco's eyes widened. "With the…?" Harry blushed, but nodded again. Draco arched an eyebrow. "Welllll... I think in that case I could probably be persuaded.... Oh, and here comes my right arm. I never thought I would miss having elbows so much."

Harry's hands crept lower, stroking along Draco's rear and gently squeezing as they went. He kept an eye on Draco's face for signs of disapproval. Draco, however, sighed with contentment and stretched his legs (which were now Draco legs once more, instead of table legs). His backside wriggled under Harry's grasp.

"You know Harry, I am coming to the conclusion that it's not entirely your fault if your friends have the sophistication of amoebas. Simply tell that ginger buffoon that on no account are his wares to appear in this house again. Or I will set a rocket under that horror show he calls a shop."

Harry made soothing noises and continued to rub and caress Draco's arse and thighs. One hand slipped between his legs and found an especially interesting piece of Draco to massage.

Draco hummed with pleasure and sat back onto his haunches."You'll be delighted to know, I think I'm one hundred percent Malfoy again now, Harry."

"I'm very glad to hear it. But I think you maybe have a little bit of wood left, just for me."

Draco frowned. "There's nothing little about that, I assure you. I liked your earlier suggestion very much indeed, but we should definitely give the film part a miss. I need an early night after all this stress."

"Oh, well... I'll go and get the, um– I'll get ready, shall I?" asked Harry with a shy smile, and retreated to the bedroom. Presently some very promising clanks and creaks drifted down the stairs.

Draco relaxed back on the sofa with a contented grin, stretching his arms above his head. His gaze fell on the wretched pumpkin lying on the floor. Reaching out one long leg, he gave it a sharp kick, sending it ricocheting off the opposite wall. He watched in satisfaction as it smashed into several pieces, its faint squeak of complaint fading away to silence.

"Draco? I'm ready...." came a call from upstairs. Draco got to his feet with a smug smile. It was by the purest accident that he stamped on several pieces of the pumpkin in his haste to reach the bedroom. It looked like he was going to get his Hallowe'en treat after all.

Comments

[omi-ohmy.livejournal.com]

I like the tag 'juvenile humour'. :D

I do like your sense of humour, and of fun. I also love how in-character you keep Harry and Draco, no matter what you do to them. Draco's little strop at the end is wonderful, as is Harry going off to make himself a cup of tea.

A perfect little Halloween treat. :)

[birdsofshore]

'Juvenile humour' is a tag I need to use more frequently than I would like XD

Thanks again for all your help with this one. Thought that bloody HTML would send me grey(er).

[fantasyfiend09.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha! I love Harry in this. *shakes head* Only he would consider putting doilies and tea on Draco's back. And only he would contemplating groping a furious Draco Malfoy. *snickers* I'm glad that Draco got his treat in the end.

[birdsofshore]

How could Harry not contemplate groping him? The doilies were maybe going a bit far, I agree.

I think Draco came out on top, though. He always does.

[marianna-merlo.livejournal.com]

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

"Get your hands off me, you... furniture pervert! You're leaving smeary fingerprints on my varnish, I can feel them."

That is perfect! Furinture pervert! Lol

I love this, thank you so much bb! <3 It was sweet and cute and funny all in one. I also like your preliminary disclaimer heheh... I sort of wish Harry did eat off of him *evil grin* Poor Draco though, I would torture him. You treated him very nicely, and I'm sure he likes you better :P

The whole idea was original and interesting, and believable! The whole thing about George inventing that mischievous pumpkin, and Harry's sarcasm and trying to "avoid Draco's mood" by hiding in the kitchen. I also love the ending with him whispering sirty things into Draco's ear XD

<3 <3 <3

[birdsofshore]

Oh I'm glad you liked it! It was just too too silly, but after we had that conversation about "the world's first fluffy human furniture fic", I could not seem to resist.

You can write a sequel, where Harry eats a 3 course meal off him, and does all kinds of other things to him. Only -SPLINTERS :-o (kicking myself for not thinking to include a joke about splinters)

[evilgiraff.livejournal.com]

Tablecloth FTW. Draco's reactions are PERFECT :D

[evilgiraff.livejournal.com]

Oh, and just think, Harry could upload photos to this site: http://www.furnitureporn.com/

(trust me, it's safe)

[marianna-merlo.livejournal.com]

Omg, is this a joke? This is HILARIOUS! "The chair sluts in their natural environment" LOLOLOLOLOL It was like two lounge chairs tipped over one another HAHAHAHA!

[birdsofshore]

So glad you liked it, and furniture porn ahahaha!

[lijahlover.livejournal.com]

Oh this was soooooo silly *g*

[birdsofshore]

Silly? Nooooooo! Ok, well, maybe. :D

[who_la_hoop]

*dies of laughter* Oh, this is PERFECT, I love it!

[birdsofshore]

*looks at dead who_la in dismay*

*goes to find a tablecloth to put on her*

[who_la_hoop]

Oh, tragedy! Oh, calamity!

It had better be a nice one, or I will come back and haunt you, wailing "buuuuuuutsex" at inappropriate moments.

[birdsofshore]

ARE there inappropriate moments to wail "buuuuuuutsex"?

Anyway, stop this tomfoolery, you are letting us distract you from the flowing / drippingness.

[who_la_hoop]

Yes! No.

I had to stop anyway, because there was dinner. Eating chicken is incompatible with such shenanigans. (I love the word shenanigans.)

Happily, the boys have stopped talking meaningfully gasping and Draco is now attempting to put his clothes on in a snide manner.

ie. the fic is almost done, and soon it will be time for me to re-read it and excise about half the references to them blushing/flushing/colouring, because they are men not tomatoes. *grin*

[alisanne.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahaha! Utterly delightful and just what I needed to put a smile on my face today. *giggles*

[birdsofshore]

I am so glad it made you smile!

[queenie-mab.livejournal.com]

lmao!!! This was just brilliant! Fluffy Fun!

[birdsofshore]

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it.

[appleling.livejournal.com]

Hahah! This is equally cute and sexy! Best Halloween one-shot ever!

[birdsofshore]

Ah, thank you! I'm happy you liked it.

[eidheann.livejournal.com]

Bahahahahahahaha

Doilies deserve a juvenile humor tag all on their own.

[birdsofshore]

There should be more doilies in fic. I may make a doily tag.

[dustmouth.livejournal.com]

Ah this made me laugh :D
And to think that you were warning me away!
There is nothing that I like better than an angry Draco, and you certainly have that down pat haha

[birdsofshore]

LOL, I just cringe a bit as it is so very silly. But glad it made you laugh.

[dustmouth.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with that!

[lokifan]

LULZ, love it :)

*imagines filthy dub-con scenario*

[birdsofshore]

yay, I'm glad you liked it :D

[geneva2010.livejournal.com]

late to the party, here, but I loved it. Draco was so funny, and I really want to know what Harry was going to wear - I guess it's a private thing just for the two of them, lucky ducks.

Thanks!

[birdsofshore]

Thanks, Geneva! I would love to know, too. They are such meanies, they wouldn't tell me. Or let me watch. :D